Song #23: Not Enough

Over the past few weeks, I've had conversations with two men - one who is going through a divorce and another who recently did. I kept hearing the same two themes emerge: one, that they were both trying everything they could to do the right thing, hold their marriages together and to show love even as their (ex-)spouse was struggling and/or being destructive; and two, that because their efforts weren't being accepted, it dealt such a heavy blow to their self-worth. Since in this project I had promised to explore all of the angles of love, I felt drawn to flesh out this experience in song, as difficult as that may be.

This was a hard song to write and I'm sure is a hard one to listen to. It's not unlike watching Requiem for a Dream - sitting through it once is probably enough. I had to go deep and get to an emotional space that I've known very well but not really wanted to return to. That said, the purpose of this piece is not in any way to glorify a defeated and self-doubting perspective; in time people move out of this stage and realize their worth is independent of their circumstances. Rather, this is a "snapshot" in time, a musical picture of a dark and raw reality... for the sake of artistic observation as well as catharsis. Almost like being physically ill, sometimes it's only by purging the darkness through expressing it (in writing, in song, in conversation) that we make room for the light and life to return again.

PLAY:

LYRICS:

She is fading, she's fading fast

And I've felt hurt before, but no hurt quite like this

'cause I see her hanging, she's just hanging on

In my strength, all i have; dear just please take my arm

And I know I can't save you

don't pretend I can

But I can't just stand by and

not extend a hand

But part of me

Hates the part of me

That gives a shit at all

She is struggling, she's scraping by

But she's too damned hardheaded to let me by her side

I am trying, maybe I should stop

When your love is unwelcomed, when do you finally give up?

My shit is not enough (for you)

It is not enough

My love is not enough

My time... not enough

My care... not enough

Love is not enough for you

Love...

Song #22: You Just Are

Friends who have followed my music over the years may possibly recognize this week's song. "You Just Are" is a piece I wrote and performed with the Trev Diesel band 6+ years ago, but since I was never able to record it, I decided to bring it in to the One Love, One Year anthology.

While most of my songs are thematically specific, this is one of the most vague that I've posted. I'm not going to go into specifics about my interpretation of these lyrics except to say this: it isn't so much about human/relational love as it is about the "capital-L" Love that holds the universe together, helps us know who we are and gives our lives direction.

PLAY:

 LYRICS:

seems like only yesterday

we were standing on the frontier of our future

three friends and I taking rides in a beat up old car

and Sammie slinks low in her seat

and turns up the music.

(we think she'll go far

and shoot like a star over this pitiful city

will you know it when you see it?

will your eyes be opened far

when forever meets you in the present

melting time and space and suddenly

you just are

so love, child, love

and she held on dearly to all that we were

even if at times making us all a little bit batty

and her daddy woke up before the sun did every day

and drove all the way to the city

and now we know, we know what they were living for

Song #21: You (Don't) Complete Me

While it's a romantic notion to consider someone as your "other half", I wonder if that's the healthiest way to live out your days with someone, Jerry Maguire. If a significant other is where you go for soul-level fulfillment or to fill an incomplete void in you, that's a scary setup for both parties and tees the ball up for some major disappointment sooner or later. You've got to find that outside and then re-enter the relationship with strength and an attitude that says "I'm here to give" - otherwise it's just need and codependency and all that messy stuff.

**In order to give credit where it is due, the lyric "You make my heart skip, but you don't make it beat" was my inspiration for this song and was penned by writer and good buddy Benjamin Madrid. He blogs song lyrics and other musings HERE - go check him out.

PLAY:

LYRICS:

You, you don't complete me

But you completely light up my sky

You, you don't fulfill me

But, girl, you thrill me every night

I chose you out of my strength, not out of need

You make my heart skip, but you don't make it beat

And everything you are to me is so good,

But I've got a confession

The only way I'm every thing I am to you

Is 'cause I've got a bigger mission

You, you don't make me,

But we'll be ok, see?

Because it's right

It's true that you relieve me

But if you must leave me

I'll be just fine

I chose you out of my strength, not out of need

You make my heart skip, but you don't make it beat

And everything you are to me is so good,

But I've got a confession

The only way I'm every thing I am to you

Is 'cause I've got a bigger mission

If there's a void inside your soul

Just know that I will never fill that hole

Song #20: Rise (and Rise Again)

Remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books? There were multiple directions you could take at the end of the chapters, each resulting in different outcomes. In "Amphetamine" (week 12) the singer, after facing the loss of love, totally gave up, shut down and escaped into fantasy. This week I wanted to write an alternate ending.

What would it look like for someone who had once "climatized to a life of loss" found the inner strength to face the pain, overcome obstacles and, with confidence, tread into an uncertain future? What would it look like to take a once dead heart and set it on fire again?

Musically, I'm not sure how you would categorize this song except for experimental. It's different and won't be everyone's cup of tea, but it's what came out.

And besides, if they need a theme song for Rocky VII, I've got them covered.

PLAY:

LYRICS:

A place for everything, everything in its place

Got it all locked down; going to hold control over all of my space

Ain't gonna rock the boat, going to minimize the pain,

Chain my desire and lock it all away

Well it's fear that holds me down and feigns as safe

And I have played the role of a passive man all of my days

If I'm ever gonna live, gonna have to put that mask away

And rise up from the ashes and take my place

Rise and rise again,

make a lion from this lamb

There's a battle to fight

A war to be won

I'm here to make my stand

With violence I crush my fear

and step out off that ledge

Though bloodied from battle, I will not run,

I rise and rise again

Well I told myself I'd never love again

After being burned, why would I walk into the fire again?

But the time for safe has ended, and it's ending here, today

I rise up from the ashes and stake my claim

Song #19: Through the Eyes

So through the eyes love attains the heart:

for the eyes are the scouts of the heart,

and the eyes go reconnoitering

for what it would please the heart to possess.

[Guiraut De Borneilh]

I was introduced to this poem in Joseph Campbell's Power of Myth series. Its author, Guiraut De Borneilh, was considered the "Master of the Troubadors" - those musician-poets of the 12th century who are historically noted for romanticising love. It's such a beautiful and striking work that speaks deeply and poetically of what draws two individuals together. This week's song is a modern homage to this poem and the original songwriters of love. 

PLAY: 

LYRICS:

She dreamed of truly being seen

When she popped up on my fine-tuned radar screen

I watched her staring back at me

And what happened right then and there is a mystery

For as all true lovers know

It's in our eyes, it's through our eyes

Love is born in seeds of hope,

a perfect kindness

And that root will sprout and grow

Starts in our eyes, it's through our eyes

And this fruit will speak it so

within the silence

This gaze locked hers and that was it

As I mowed her back and through without a flinch

A heart slain, pierced; her deepest wish,

She coyly turned away, as in a kiss

Like a gift unto the heart

The eyes have whispered who you are

The heart draws near what once was far

Song #18: Maps

“We can’t know what’s going to happen. We can just try to figure it out as we go along." - Roger Sullivan

PLAY:

LYRICS:

Black-ribbon road is stretching out

The tank's at two-o-clock; it's getting late

Sundown glow ahead of us

A burning torch that guides and lights our way

The desert wind, your summer dress:

I pretend I'm not staring at your legs

And as the headlights rise like fireflies

It's hard to hide the smile upon my face

Worn maps show us the way back

But not where we're at

I don't think it matters now.

Right here: bare feet on the dash

That way that she laughs

All we need's right here on this side of the glass

We could drive for miles and miles

but we both know that we're already there

This journey is the destination

so where we end up I don't really care

Not so fast...

If you've come by this way knowing that I usually post my new songs on Sunday nights around 7:30, I'm encouraged by your eagerness, but I'm afraid you've beat me to the punch. Song #18 is taking a little time to finish up. I'll be wrapping it tonight and posting by noon tomorrow. Until then... cheers.

Song #17: Hang

So far in this project I've put my own spin on reggae, alt-country, ballads, old-school R&B, rockers, and more. Yet this week as I was hearing this melody, I knew I had to go a totally new direction that I hadn't touched on yet: club synth-pop. Go ahead and be a hater but don't act like you're not dancing in your recliner right now.

PLAY:

LYRICS:

can you hang? can you hang with me?

do you have what it takes to try and handle me?

can you feel? can you feel deeply?

'cause I give all I've got and won't take less, see:

I can't give you all the money but you can trust that I will rock your soul - so let go

it will be good, it will be often and when it's through I promise that you will know

hang on for the ride

of your life

if you're going my way you must be able to hang

hang on for the ride

of your life

I know just want I want, I want you,

but only if you can hang

can you respect? will you respect me?

cause I respect myself and won't take less, see

still want in? let's see if you fit

I don't play hard to get, girl I am hard to get