darkness

Song #34: Disease

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"Of course it don't feel right! What has felt right for you doesn't work! You need to try some wrong, dawg!"  [The 40-Year Old Virgin]

This is a song about tiring of doing good. It's from the perspective of someone who's grown weary of playing by the rules, being spoon-fed other people's expectations and - in keeping with the intent of this project - being in a relationship that is outwardly "right" (in the opinions of others), but inwardly lifeless. After all there are some experiences life holds for those who are adventurous enough to color outside the lines.

PLAY: 

LYRICS: 

I don't want to choose health

I'm living life on my knees

I feel I'm gagging on good

I crave a little dis-ease

Try to wheel me in,

Lock me up in a cell

But I ain't looking for a cure,

I wouldn't pay to be well

 

I feel a wicked, sly smile

crawling up on my face

There's something sick inside

Way down low like the bass

I feel it pulse within

Like the beat of this song

And if lovin' you is right

Well then I want to be wrong

 

They all think they know best

Tell me just what I need

And I played along

For forever it seems

But see I've caught a bug

An infectious disease

And now I see you're just too good,

 t-t-too good for me

 

Does it hurt? Does it hurt when I do this ?

Song #23: Not Enough

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Over the past few weeks, I've had conversations with two men - one who is going through a divorce and another who recently did. I kept hearing the same two themes emerge: one, that they were both trying everything they could to do the right thing, hold their marriages together and to show love even as their (ex-)spouse was struggling and/or being destructive; and two, that because their efforts weren't being accepted, it dealt such a heavy blow to their self-worth. Since in this project I had promised to explore all of the angles of love, I felt drawn to flesh out this experience in song, as difficult as that may be.

This was a hard song to write and I'm sure is a hard one to listen to. It's not unlike watching Requiem for a Dream - sitting through it once is probably enough. I had to go deep and get to an emotional space that I've known very well but not really wanted to return to. That said, the purpose of this piece is not in any way to glorify a defeated and self-doubting perspective; in time people move out of this stage and realize their worth is independent of their circumstances. Rather, this is a "snapshot" in time, a musical picture of a dark and raw reality... for the sake of artistic observation as well as catharsis. Almost like being physically ill, sometimes it's only by purging the darkness through expressing it (in writing, in song, in conversation) that we make room for the light and life to return again.

PLAY:

LYRICS:

She is fading, she's fading fast

And I've felt hurt before, but no hurt quite like this

'cause I see her hanging, she's just hanging on

In my strength, all i have; dear just please take my arm

And I know I can't save you

don't pretend I can

But I can't just stand by and

not extend a hand

 

But part of me

Hates the part of me

That gives a shit at all

 

She is struggling, she's scraping by

But she's too damned hardheaded to let me by her side

I am trying, maybe I should stop

When your love is unwelcomed, when do you finally give up?

 

My shit is not enough (for you)

It is not enough

My love is not enough

My time... not enough

My care... not enough

Love is not enough for you

Love...